#im getting ready for the moment
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Who's the "real" me?
+ some references for the Rise-related things I included <3
#im reaaaally happy with this one hehe i had fun putting the stuff from different things shes had/worn#i feel like ppl overlook the massive identity crisis & the accompanying depression & internal conflict rise is going through during the gam#like shes trying to figure out who she is seperate from her idol image (which she constantly still clings to despite her insistance that sh#s done with it bc she does still crave that recognition and attention she got from that position. she literally breaks down crying when her#manager tells her kanami has taken her acting role and is more-or-less set to take her spot now)#and then she also struggles with finding what she wants to do with herself now that she doesnt have showbiz to worry about#i think she kinda unintentionally uses the investigation as an anchor for her to hold onto#something to keep her busy in the absence of the hustling idol life#and then she also like. again she keeps clinging to the idol image and the associated bubbly-ness and bold flirtation#because thats the ''her'' ppl liked#i dont think the way she acts during the game is ENTIRELY an act theres definitely a lot of her true self in it too#but she does have a lot of moments where she leans more heavily into the bubbly & flirty cutie act#her sl shows that for all that she wanted to retire from showbiz she isnt really ready just yet#bc she did actually enjoy being an idol. she did enjoy being able to reach out to people in this way & to finally have ppl like & accept he#the problem is she doesnt know who ''she'' is at this point#im rambling but u get my point. yeah. yeah#rise..............#rise kujikawa#persona#persona 4#p4#art#my art#xanders art#digital art#fan art
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jaime turning women down constantly more bc he is very monogamous and in love with someone else right now for the first time and is also kinda scared of actually having sex with someone other than cersei is sm better to me than “i respect the kg vows of chastity so intensely rn actually because i changed into a good and serious person” or whatever lol
#i truly dgaf about that bffr jaime dude#like its a stupid vow that says nothing about u as a person lmfao#him in the bath with pia thinking of brienne like u r not fooling anybody honestly#like i truly do think its more copium and not being honest with himself tbfh#like he had a rationalization when pia came into his bed in asos too but then it was purely ‘i only love cers i would never’#and with cat it was so funny when he bluffing and was like uh i cant marry bc of my vows but i could still service u😉😉#he would have pissed himself if he was called on that bluff but only bc he would be cheating on cers and have sex with another woman#man that fucked his twins in a sept next to his sons dead body the moment he returned caring about chastity vows#his development isnt really about keeping every vow ever when most of it is fraudery anyway#like pls he is not keeping his vow to his king rn really 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i think the vows and respecting them has a deeper meaning thats the whole point which ones do u keep and prioritize and why#like weve been thru this 80x being a real vowhead is not what makes u a good person 😭#deleting ur individuality and personal life to be an honorpillhead lol#the vow to cat has meaning the elite bodyguard vow to never fuck has zero meaning 😭#he was ready to break the no marriage vow w cers pls#im not saying this bc of a shipper endgame in mind i find volcel jaime hilarious its just i dont like it as proof of his development#like ill be real guys sex positive warrior gurm is not pushing the idea that keeping ur chastity vows is what honor is about#like i get that he wants to be better and he is figuring out what that really means but
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#he doesn't want to fight with you ai di, he wants to Kiss🙄💘🥺
Nat Chen as CHEN YI KISEKI: DEAR TO ME (2023)
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#chen yi x ai di#ai di x chen yi#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#userrain#userspicy#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#okay i made this specifically for the 3rd gif bc chen yi's expressions are making me giggle nonstop i was doubled over in tears last night#HE JUST WANTS TO KISS!! AI DI HE LOVES YOU LET HIM HIT IJDKSKG#okay real talk though the fact that he actually gives ai di space 90% of the time. lets him hang out at the bar#like he isnt following him around or constantly dogging him about giving him an answer not does he ever rly ACCUSE ai di of anything#he uses the zhang teng excuse to keep ai di from avoiding him but he doesnt try to keep him where he can see him constantly.#he lets ai di do his own thing and just spends time connecting the dots during the moments ai di comes back of his OWN VOLITION#& he slowly puts together what ai di is refusing to admit and makes his own intentions known without putting them in words either#besides stating his observations (& watching ai di react). Every interaction between them when ai di gets out of prison is like that#gifs 1&2 vs 4&5... letting ai di pull away because he doesnt know whats going on vs pulling him back both to say hey we arent done-#& say im still here FOR YOU - to see how ai di reacts being so close to chen yi after finding him hugging his jacket in his sleep#and then once hes Figured It Out he still keeps the space!! sends gifts... he only Acts when ai di comes back to him himself!!!!#and this time he's READY. and a simp. like. PLS the last 2 gifs..........dude. he wants to kiss so bad
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scaralumi
#genshin impact#lumine#traveler#scaramouche#wanderer#art#fanart#based on that one scene from ranma#im reading through the manga again and this scene is so THEM#right down to the fucking sword#ready 2 rock and roll at any moment#when nahida asks lumine to give him a room inside the teapot so he can ~*make friends*~ with her#love that theyre just forced to get along for nahidas sake#dont worry they become friends....eventually#she learns how to deal with.....him
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i feel like im going insane
#fantasy high#d20#dimension 20#d20 fantasy high#gorgug thistlespring#ragh barkrock#thistlerock#goragh#yeah sure i will feed this ship#i have more fantasy high art i just have been drawing gorgug a lot and particularly liked this one a lot#i watched ep 16 (not normal about ep 16)#did you know gorgug has two hands#PS I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHILST DRAWING GORGUG HE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS OFFICIAL ART#IDK MAN. I LIKE DRAWING HIM THAT WAY#he gets more hair added on the more i draw him#the most bi disaster ever#i feel a little self conscious but im allowed to be happy sometimes. ehatever.my joy#oh god. what else was i gonna say. oh right guess who got hyperfixated on another d&d show#and i latched onto the character who gets called a freak all the time i wonder what that says about m#sorry. sorry. sorr#WHAT ALSO GETS ME IS THAT THEY WWRE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACHOTHER MOMENTS BEFORE THIS#im so ready for season two (<- is not ready)#potatart
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domestic cross guild, where mornings start off with a sleepy Buggy floating to the kitchen, eyes semi-closed. Mihawk at the kitchen island with two ready-made coffee mugs in front of him, silently sipping from his own while he passes one of the mugs to Buggy who wordlessly accepts and sits down across from him. Crocodile is soon trailing after him, also accepting the offered mug from Mihawk. no words are exchanged. Crocodile sets to making breakfast while Mihawk and Buggy move to sit at the table to give him more space. eyes still heavy with sleep, Buggy drapes himself on the table, trying to get a few more minutes of shut-eye. the sounds of Mihawk turning the pages of the newspaper and Crocodile humming as he cooks is a soothing lullaby to Buggy's ears by now. he has never had peaceful mornings like this before.
#i could write more but stopping here feels right#im not trying to write another 1k words just describing their breakfast. tho I could...#i just like the idea of quiet mornings with cross guild#everything is so hectic#but mornings#everything is peaceful. if only for a moment#not looking this over so excuse any grammar errors#i feel like crocodile takes charge of breakfast most mornings. mihawk helps on occasion#both of them are early risers so one of them is always in the kitchen before buggy gets there. coffee hot and ready waiting for him#buggy would probably wake up in the afternoon if left alone but he's been getting better at waking up for breakfast. he wouldn't miss it#i really love cross guild and i feel like buggy should get pampered a bit. he deserves it#buggy the clown#dracule mihawk#hawkeye mihawk#crocodile#sir crocodile#cross guild#one piece#do these three have a ship name? or is it just cross guild?#happy valentine's!
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UNAUTHORISED PROGRAM DETECTED — UPDATE REJECTED
⚠️MAJOR ERROR DISCOVERED ⚠️
all users are prohibited from logging out during metaverse maintenance
1️⃣: you fakes…….!!!!
————————-
E…..EVIL ICHIRO???????????????????? 🥺👉👈
#this is vee speaking#CREATING AI CLONES OF THE CAST MAYBE???????#EVERYONES ABOUT TO GET THEIR EXISTENTIAL CRISIS VIA CLONES RAMUDA YOURE NOT ALONE?????????#BAT HAS BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS VERY MOMENT THO LMAO THE ENEMY IS THYSELF THEY SAID IN THEIR FIRST BATTLE SEASON#THEYVE BEEN READY FRAME ONE BOUTTA PULL UP ON THEMSELVES READY TO BOX LMAO#IM SO EXCITED LMAO
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The qsmp fucks me up everytime i think ab it to hard honestly like these people (not just ccs like fans too!!) separated by such a large language barrier brought together by such an ambitious but like normal idea that a guy had has now created this group of people who are meeting up in fucking paris and talking about their fucking rp eggs like. This is such an insane community and i dont think ill ever stop being impressed by how much work and creativity that these players, admins and quackity have put into this like god this is so cool
#qsmp#tater rambles#and the community between them? like thryre so kind to eachother they communicate#they get out of roleplay and immediately start complimenting eachother#like that moment after the second debate where#baghera and cellbit are talking and theyre both like you did so well!! i dont agree with u but u did so well!!!#was so good#sorry im sick and emotional ill never be over this funky little smp#like dsmp was a goddammed mess. and seeing quackity come out of that#with his crazy ass lore and build this? this was nothing anyone was ready for#and the fact that he brought foolish and bad and philza people whos lore got brushed over and talked over and ignored into somrthing like th#where foolishs builds are lived in and bad is known as kind but dangerous and phil who gets dragged into stuff like im so happy for them#sorry im really rambly today i saw their twitchcon paris photos
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(do you love me like that?) you're a reckless driver (I'm a reckless driver) and one day it will kill us if I —
#yellowjacketsedit#yjedit#akilahmari#lyricsongifs#yellowjacketscentral#ok i WANT TO DISCLAIM. im not 100% sold on pitgirl mari im not 100% sold on anything. the show will tell me when its ready!#that SAID im incapable of giffing unless theres tragedy involved and also i think it would be an interesting trajectory for them#akilahmari work imo because while different they are both very vulnerable in the same way#they want to be seen and cared for and they arent in an environment where thats easy#and like. yeah the you tell me all the time to keep my eyes on the road gif IS the gay scenes#but its also akilah being in tune with people and their emotions. ofc she knows taivan love each other ofc she knows lottienat need a momen#and later ofc she knows lottie and nat need a moment!!! that skill serves her as tension escalates#whereas mari cannot read a room + does not filter herself. and akilah often gets the best of that from her!#but also. akilah shoots her a look when she presses javi about the missing bear meat. but also. mari isnt wrong to be concerned#mari is vulnerable and scared !!!AND!!! heavily concerned about survival. so whereas akilah and mari are both scared to hunt javi#mari is the second to run to grab javis body. akilah follows still horrified. mari is better suited to survive in a lot of ways#but also tends to step on toes!!! but also mari is so loyal and so like. attentive? eager? in a way akilah isnt#so mari says more controversial things but ultimately follows status quo in a way akilah is less inclined to#even in terms of skills mari can cook and akilah can sew but eventually what good is stitching people up when they need to eat. you know.#IDK i think theyre soooo interesting and im rly looking forward to their relationship hopefully developing bc i think theyre cute and fun#but i think their dyn could get sooooo interesting. even in terms of letting mari go. like. many connotations#akilah can giggle when the jokes are still funny and they can find each other in any given space. but does that matter if it cant save them#anyway ive run out of tags to tag the chars for my blog and im being really brave about it btw.#also its 2 am and i wanna post and im being even braver about that (not deleting this tag but its not 2 am my time as i post im drafting<3)
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So. Fatebreaker, right? Ryne's biggest fears made manifest, daddy issues personified, yes?
He's an amalgamation of Thancred and Ran'jit, his face, his voice and his weapon is Thancred's, but his body, his fighting style and his words are Ran'jit's.
Throughout the fight Fatebreaker constantly makes comments about how only he can protect Ryne, only he can provide for her, only he has even the right to so much as stand beside her, to be in her general presence. He's possessive and obsessive, repeatedly asserting that she is HIS and his only. Which is exactly what Ran'jit says basically every time we encounter him.
But this time it's in Thancred's voice. This time it's with the voice and face of a man she actually cares about.
Ryne isn't scared of Thancred, she never has been. Even when she first met him she was barely even nervous (as clearly shown in Thancred's short story). There's a lot of different feelings happening between those two, but fear has never been one of them.
But now, after things have gotten so much better, she is scared of Thancred becoming like Ran'jit. Because if Thancred was just a little further gone, if he was just a little less compassionate, he would've. It wouldn't be hard for him to go down the same path as Ran'jit did, to be incapable of letting go of the ghost of that girl he loved so so much to the point he'd stubbornly grip anything close to her he could. He didn't, but the fact he could've is terrifying.
It makes his final words, words that are Thancred's, so very important. This is her deepest fears made manifest, but he still says he wants her to be happy. Her happiness not only matters, but is important to him.
#Now we -the audience- ofc knew Thancred was unlikely to go down that path#bc if theres one thing hes been consistent in even in his darkest moments its living up to his loved ones' wishes and legacies#the only time he even speaks against it is his conversation w minfilia in amh araeng#and thats more a case of all his (poorly) repressed grief and stress exploding than him actually meaning what he says#and trying to control rynes life after minfilia literally told him to just let her live her life goes directly against that#i think about fatebreaker a lot. as i do all things related to ryne & thancred#and to me its so important to note that hes more or less ran'jit with just enough thancred in him to be *too* thancred for comfort#its so. her greatest fear isnt even the thing thats been haunting her her whole life (being forced to fill in for minfilia)#its having her free will taken from her by the person she cares about the most (thancred)#and for him to be trapped in endless suffering because he cant move on#just like ran'jit did and was#its not even necessarily that shes all that scared of ran'jit himself#what shes scared about is caring about someone like that#because then she wont say no or try to be anyone but minfilia#(thats also why this fear appears specifically after things get better)#(because she was already ready to forsake herself if it eased thancred suffering)#okay im gonna stop now i need to sleep gnight everyone#ryne waters#thancred waters#ran'jit#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#xander rambles#at this point i should make a tag for ryne ramble posts i make so many of them#tomorrow. maybe. if i remember#edit: i made it#xander being insane about ryne
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Me thinking about dating:
“man i want to tackle someone onto a couch”
“my bed’s probably big enough for me to tackle someone on to it…”
“snow is so fun i wish i was dating someone so we could play in it together and i could tackle them into it”
Starting to think that 90% of what I want out of a relationship is play wrestling
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#don’t get excited im too weak to wrestle that well#my bones are Inflicted™️#i am ready to try at any moment though😤#let me tackle you somewhere and just stay laying on top of you until it turns into a NAP#im gay and i like sleeping
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I come bearing a gift. Imagine Lighter getting married to his s/o. A slight part 2 from my last ask.
I don’t think ZZZ will ever show how people in the Outer Ring celebrate weddings, but this is Lighter. He would want a simple and sweet wedding for him and his fiancé with all their close friends and family. Of course we don’t know anything about Lighter’s family (ZZZ devs drop Lighter’s lore soon), but we do know that he does think of the Sons of Calydon as his family. If you didn’t ask the girls first, Lighter would have Caesar as his best woman/maid-of-honor with Lucy, Burnice and Piper as his bridesmaids, he can include Belle as a bridesmaid too. If you did ask first, then Billy is of course his best man because he was Lighter’s predecessor, Lucy’s boars, and Wise if he asked, are his groomsmen with Big Daddy being his parental figure to walk him down the aisle. And Casa is the wedding officiant because she’s the mayor.
You have your family and friends as your bridesmaids and groomsmen with your parents happily walking you down the aisle. They love Lighter as family, bad past, scars and all, because they know he’ll always be loyal to you and love you till death do you apart. They brought a ton of wedding gifts.
The day of the wedding was beautiful and had no drama at all because the Sons of Calydon, especially Billy, had threatened everyone who dared to ruin yours and Lighter’s wedding with death. You two said your wedding vows, Lighter almost cried as he recalled the moment you accepted him despite his past and that he’ll love you forever because of that and you actually crying after telling him that he was the best person you’ll ever know. The instant the marriage was sealed with a kiss, there were cheers, happy tears and multiple congratulations from everyone. Lighter and you were now a happy married couple and the world felt brighter than ever for Lighter.
(Idk if I should do a reception part. I just Lighter to have a happy ending)
THIS TIME I PROMISE I WONT ADD ANYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS JUST REALLY SWEET ARGSHSKSBSKAH
everyone else enjoy because i’m already eating this up and giggling, kicking my feet hehe
#lumiresponds ˚✧₊⁎☆#lighter zzz#zzz lighter#lighter lorenz#IM NOT USED TO THIS SORT OF SWEETNESS#but i believe that lighter deserves happiness after his difficult past#also because i will TERRORIZE HIM the moment his lore drops (get ready for angst)#but just thinking about it is so fluffy like ARGSHSGSJSV#he’d definitely be so sweet and would cry and idk about clothing#i think it’d be a little informal though ngl#and then maybe just sign some documents in the main city in case#but even before the wedding/proposal everyone KNEW you two were gonna be together forever#yeah okay i will kms because lighter isnt real#I GOTTA WAIT SO LONG FOR HIM ??? LIKE HUH
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also something about foolish, who usually sticks around spawn, who builds or fools around, who takes care of his daughter, going off thousands of blocks away to fight in dungeons. to throw himself into the fight again and again. to find something harder to fight each time, to get a reward that he doesn’t really need or want anyway. no leo around for him to worry about, or worry about him in return, after all
#foolish 🤝 bad - healthy coping mechanisms who??#anyways no one is dealing with this well and I’m ready for them to just destroy the island until their children come back or they can go#and save them#sorry to keep angst posting on main I’m going through it pfksjfjs#I’m just. foolish isn’t one to get serious or genuinely upset. frustrated maybe. hardly upset like he is#his reaction to Leo? not letting anyone read the book she left before he could even if it would take a lot more effort?#he had his moment of ‘wtf’ laughter. and then he has his genuine im upset I’m pissed I’m at a loss reaction. which is the polar opposite of#his usual frantic raised voice almost comical over the top reactions#when Tina finds out he can’t even fully brush it off with a joke to comfort her. he can’t reassure her. he gets quiet#I’m just. the whole combo. I’m upset about this man#mcyt#qsmp#foolish#z speaks
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the immense rage i felt while watching this entire scene go down was so strong. the gall to find joy in someone's misery, misery that cant even be stopped by them even if they wanted to change it. i feel so sad for him seeing this go down
if u need like... a brief explanation on what happened, heres how it went
these two miners probably knew that he gets so excitable when he sees money, so one of them throws a coin to catch his attention which he does, and nor.ton desperately tries to catch it. the coin lands on one miner and they step on the coin and they laugh at him as he tries to lift his foot up and then they continue to toss the coin around until they were done with him :((((((((((( he keeps the coin but you can already understand how hes feeling there :(
#its so sad that throughout the entire play- nor.ton keeps getting memories and flashbacks from the past. especially leading up to the moment#where he exploded the mines. its so sad how hes constantly ridden with the past and he even caught spacing out a couple of times by his#fellow survivors. poor guy just carries so much burden of guilt and it all stemmed from his desperation to live better#one person in the chat said he's basically reliving the events in the mines as he stays in the manor. because he believes he'll win big#and its all at the cost at... outliving or exploiting the others.#i am so miserable dude. this is so well executed#~ rambling#see this is the chunk of lore to explain why i adore his story. its so complicated. hes not a good or bad guy. he tries to be good but fall#for the bad deeds because... what better is there for him to do? good isnt coming his way- it feels like the only option he ever has left i#the more dangerous route#:(#its 7am so ill try to sleep but. im so happy#im so happy to finally watch his play. even if theres no subtitles i was able to understand it. ill wait for the day subs are ready#but for now. im so happy. all the hype build up was really really worht it#ill try to give ithaqua's a watch someday because i hear its even more sadder than this one and im interested
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my takeaway after flicking through 'pushing the limits' for the first time: casey the type of guy who would give alex de angelis the nickname 'alex dangerous' and put it in his autobiography
my takeaway after flicking through 'pushing the limits' for the 10th time: ̴̸̗͚̗̗͕̇̀̀͠ẳ̵͍̪̫͈̅ ̶̢͖̊̔̐̈́n̵̙̙͆̒͆̈́a̵̱̓̀̋r̴̩͂̈́͗r̶̹̻̀͋̒à̸̟̼̓ţ̴̛̜̻̉i̶͙̯̤͂v̷̨̝͕̀̚e̸͓̊̒ ̴̞̯̭̓̆̕��t̴̩͕͎̓h̷̠̦̲̥̽͘a̷̳̤̙̰̾t̷̡͓͉̣̽ ̵̛̭̘͚̓͠͝c̸͈̺͔̜͂u̴̘̫͈͚͝t̵͔̬͕̬̆s̶͉͉͉̓̑̈ ̴͇͐̈́ỉ̷̪͖͇̀ͅt̸̛͙͌͗ͅş̵̳̞́è̵͋̑͜l̶̯̯̈͋̓͝f̸̢̢̈̉́͊ ̸̪́́̀͝ơ̴͍̠̲̙̈́͒̕f̷̺̍̽̇̚f̴̭̻̉̀͝ ̵͕̻͕̈f̶̪̬̮̼̍͝r̵͉̞̙̀̾̐̚o̸̺͙̜̓̏̉̚m̶̩̟̜̽ ̷̟̭̹̪̈́̎̆͠t̷͖͖̋̿̇̂͜ͅh̵̰̀ę̷̧̒̽̀ ̶̰͓́̽̽v̵͔̆ù̵̧͕l̷͍͇͔̯̽n̷͙͍͇͑̚ĕ̴̢̻̑͌r̷̯̪̙̐̾ḁ̴̰̐̆b̵̟̼̰͐̐̿͘ͅḯ̵̮̙̬̘̽l̷̬͈̓̈͆ȋ̴̭͑t̶̖̬̀̇̇͜ÿ̵̞̥̠́͋ ̸͍̺̎̒̐o̶̤͕͎͗͠f̵͚̔͑́͜ ̷͎̯̤̹̀t̶̙̩͈̂̒̕͝h̷͓̖̮̿̔e̸̹̎͜ ̶̰̓̀e̶̯͙͛̂͘x̴̼͓͍̀͒̎̕p̷̩̾͂͜ẽ̷̡͎͙ŗ̵̛̻̳͛i̷̖͍͑͂͆̐è̴̡̹͔̳n̸̮̩̤̆͋c̵̡̛̖̝̮̄̊͛ȩ̷̨̭̣͐͊́͘ ̸̝̀̉̌͘t̴̝̓͛̐ȍ̶̡ ̴̨̝̿̔̆̐d̷̜̄̄e̶̱̒͌͠͝t̴̢̢̥̮̊̕̚a̵̡̖͆ȉ̵̩̭̘̮̉͛̓l̶͈̄̓ ̸̰̽̒̊̃ţ̸̤̂h̸̖͓̗̀̀̄e̴̮̮̓̈́͠ ̸̡̪̦̣̈́̇̕h̸̰̭̾͠o̴̭̹͑͌͛̃r̴̖̝͕͋r̸̘͍̂̊͐ͅọ̶̪͗r̸̡̞͒́̕͝ŝ̴̱̋̔ ̶͚͕̓̆̀̌w̸̥̱̳̭̌̓i̶͉̭̤͒̽t̷̺̝̊̐h̵̰͌̆ò̸̻͚͖͋u̵͍̣̅̒̕͠t̸̛̪͙̒́ͅ ̶̖̓̏͝͝t̸̮̱͓͑͊͠ŗ̶̥̠̲̏͑̈ū̶͈l̵͍̯̘͂̔̎͝y̵̹͂̈́́ ̷̺̠̦̒͝c̶̬͋͛o̵̧͗̎n̷͉͆f̵̛̹͔r̸̰̈ô̸̪͙̓ń̴̹̦̬̲̃̌̕ẗ̴̯͚̺́i̴͓̓n̵̞͒̚͝g̵̨̧̉̏̀̈́͜ ̷͓̲́͊̈́t̷̼̽ḥ̵͕̮͒ͅè̷̜̦̮̯̓̄m̶͇͔̪̻͂
my takeaway after flicking through 'pushing the limits' for the 100th time: casey the type of guy who would give alex de angelis the nickname 'alex dangerous' and put it in his autobiography
#im not kidding btw this was the moment in the autobiography that completely sold me on casey#my sweet cringefail girl. yes casey that's a great nickname well done#//#heretic tag#brr brr#the more i think about it the more i do have reservations about recommending the book as an intro to casey#like i think you kinda need to... i'm not saying watch ALL the races (maybe) but you need to spend some time in that time period#and THEN you read the autobiography as a bit of a corrective. extra context. but the guy in those pages is a toned down version#you can come away from it thinking he's mostly quite a normal guy which is obviously an incorrect conclusion#you need to do some close reading and go into it with a lot of context and readiness to fact check to really get the most out of the thing#i clocked the luminous yellow thing as kinda funny on the first read through but googled the gp11 on a whim and was like. hold on
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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